Competitive eating: gold-metal fantasy

The recent Olympics have set me thinking again about my potential competitive eating skills.

Basically, I eat like a dog.

Have you seen those Facebook reels where a dog totally wolfs down food in a nano second, without even chewing. (Hmm … a dog eating fast. Hmm … “wolfs down.” I think that’s the first time I truly appreciated that term.)

Anyway, that’s pretty much me. Hubby is always encouraging me to chew.

Actually, I’ve already reported my eating-in-a-hurry prowess to you in a previous column: A boyfriend in college told me my consumption of a package of cashews was the fastest he had ever seen. Also in college, I won my dorm’s Ding Dong eating contest. And in the 1980s one of my besties totally marveled at the speed with which I devoured a Johnny’s Sweet the Kitchen. Poof – and it was gone!

It’s appropriate to note that in two of those situations, I was exhibiting what I thought were normal eating patterns. So … while watching world records being set in Paris, I dreamed of winning gold at the dining room table.

Public service announcement: Competitive eating can be dangerous. Even professional participants have choked, thrown up, suffered stomach damage or asphyxiated, some of this resulting in death. So, please, if you’re planning to participate in an eating contest, ensure that appropriate precautions are taken.

Now, with that PSA under our belt, let’s proceed with thoughts about possible additional contests at the Olympic games. I mean, it’s not as if there haven’t been new sports added recently. Who, several decades ago, would have dreamed that breakdancing would become an Olympic category in 2024? I thought dancing was a visual arts performance.

Or what about skateboarding? While it appeared fun when I first saw it as a student on the Louisiana Tech campus, I never dreamed it would appear at the Olympics, which it did in 2020.

And sports climbing. Same thing. When I initially saw folks climbing that rock wall at Tech’s Lambright Sports and Wellness Center, I thought: What fun! But that was as far as my limited little mind could go at that time. Yet sports climbing came to the 2020 Olympics, and it looks as if it’s here to stay.

Olympic surfing also appeared at the 2020 Games, but to me, that’s a little different. My thought on surfing is: Why did it take so long to add this Olympic category? Maybe a key point is logistical challenges. Surfing requires specific natural conditions, such as suitable waves, which can be unpredictable and difficult to guarantee during the scheduled dates of the Olympics.

All righty, then. What are some additional non-traditional sports we can suggest to the Olympic Committee? How about these?

• Competitive Napping: Athletes compete to see who can fall asleep the fastest and stay asleep the longest, complete with snoring and sleep-talking events.
• Speed Texting: Contestants race to send the most accurate and fastest text messages, complete with autocorrect challenges.
• Extreme Laundry Folding: Participants fold laundry with speed and precision, with bonus points for perfectly folded fitted sheets.
• Synchronized Grocery Shopping: Teams navigate crowded grocery stores with precision and grace, filling their carts with the perfect items in record time.
• Channel Surfing: Players compete to see who can change TV channels the fastest while finding the perfect show to watch. Points are awarded for speed, accuracy and the ability to avoid commercials.

Are your creative juices flowing now? If so, grab a pen and paper and begin writing: “Dear International Olympic Committee, have I got a sport for you!”